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Dec. 19th, 2011

oh-em-gee 2 years later..

I am laying in my bed with my kitty Gus, dying of hunger but don't feel like getting up to get food.

My life much less shambley than it was the last time I wrote here.  Though my love life is pretty much nonexistent.  But that's fine, boys are too much work.  Thank-you, Eric, lol.  No, for real though, no hard feelings there.  I am better off on my own then with someone that isn't very well suited for my life.  

LBRH, I am only really on here for ohnotheydidnt   

Let's talk about Gus.  the poor kid is without his brother until new years.  Therefore he is pretty much like my shadow these days.  I am also sans roommate.  

Also, I know I am a little late to the party, but femme fatale is my shit.  this week, that is.  


Dec. 26th, 2009

turn off your mind, relax & float downstream, this is not dying..

my 2009 in life changing, most often grief-stricken moments (because 2009 is a douchebag)

January:  panic attacks are probably the closest thing to being stuck in your own personal hell.  maybe next to addiction.

it's coming up to a year since i had my first panic attack and had to go home for a few days because i was pretty much your standard definition of a "basket case".  i think i lost like 5-10lbs that week because i stopped eating (not by choice, my panic attacks made me nauseated and if i stopped sipping water and put anything else in my mouth i felt like i was gonna vom).  i ate 2 bites of a cookie one day.  i cried a lot.  i thought for sure that my heart was pounding so hard it would just stop.  i forced myself to choke down a balogna sandwich another night.  i sat on my couch with a blanket, huddled with crystal on my left and kto on my right during my worst panic attack to date.  ben harper's album "welcome to the cruel world" was playing on repeat during that long episode.  it was then that i said 2 very profound things that i'll never forget, even if they were in moments of insanity: "i can't do this by myself." and "i feel like my grandpa is watching over me telling me i'm going to be okay".  on another night, i wrote myself a letter saying every positive, reassuring thing i could think of.  it feels like this was all yesterday.

march 14th, 2009: my dad nearly died from probably falling down the stairs and cracking his head.  i think about something to do with this day, everyday.  lisa brought it up the other day and we talked about how her and kristen think about it everyday as well.  i thought it was just me.  my mind goes in big, long circles and something always leads me back to something to do with that journey.  one thing i keep thinking about lately is the last thing i said to him before he went into surgery- "i'll be strong for you like you were for me."

i don't know why, but one sweet spot with me is when i think about back a few months before this when i heard "carry the weight" (the beatles) for the first time in the car with dad driiving back home from windsor/port huron (don't know which one).  he said it was hte best song ever written by the beatles.  listening to that medley brings me back to that every time.

current:

my dido is dying.  for real this time.  his lungs are filling up and the drugs they give him to clear them are making his already-bad-heart weaker.  he's pretty much guaranteed to be palliative.  pretty awesome. 

2009 needs to die now.:)

Nov. 5th, 2009

SOO-WEE SOO-WEE!

HAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHA oh my jesus, BEST thing of my life.  I was telling Matt about how I am currently infected with h1n1 and he said something like "I hope you get better.  we can't have you turning into a swine.  Though it'd be epically hilarious to see you going around squaling 'soo-wee soo-wee!"

seriously.  think about how a pig oinking actually sounds.

now, match it up with "soo-wee! soo-wee!"

I. LOVE. IT.

I am feeling pretty human right now, my cough is MUCH better, and I am not aching nearly as much as I was earlier today.  I definitely can't wait to get healthy again.  Once I do, I am going to work out everyday, and seriously become a vegetarian.  Lesson learned: with mad cow disease, avian flu, and swine flu, animals are on a vengeance.  Lesson.  Learned. 

We should thank God that I do not have pneumonia.  And for inventing Tamiflu.  That stuff works FREAKING WONDERS.  Seriously.  Yesterday I was hacking my life away.  Today, probably hacking only 1/2-1/4 of my life.  I am more achy and tired, but I think once I sleep off this swineyness, I should be all right.  I am still contagious for 7-10 days after onset, so anywhere from Sunday, to Wednesday.  I am, however, worried about my art assignments because my professor has not e-mailed me back yet.  Sad day.  Have you noticed I haven't sworn yet? I'm on a roll!!!! Cleanliness ftw.

I'm SO glad I caught this swineyness early.  SO. GLAD.  The walk-in doctors on Monday? Tuesday? said it was "just a cold" and it would go away if I took advil.  YEAH. RIGHT.  I don't know who trained this woman, but she does not win my fandom.  at all.  Hospital Emergency, however, wins my fandom.  For. The. Win.  They even gave me a hospital bracelet so I can keep it for a memory of how I caught the 2009 Swine Flu and still survived hahahha.  I just cut it off a couple of hours ago and I am a tad sad to see it off.  I took a picture of it on my wrist though, so that is okay.

Well, I think it is time for sleep.

Oct. 21st, 2009

25 smiles for the day

1. pretty treks across the western bridge staring at the river
2. "find a group of people and play the penis game" fucking matt.
3. bird.
4. reading the funny/embarrassing stories in cosmo and deciding that majority of them would be dumbass shit that i do because i'm hilariously stupid sometimes... and just a klutz.
5. "you're so quiet, you don't say much"... because it made me want to say so much more :P.  no seriously, it made me laugh because it's not very often that people really mention it to me.
6. i. me.  I.  actually made someone feel ill at ease with my quietness.  HILARIOUS.
7. having a general outline of a homework sched to follow
8. my painting looking pretty schveet.
9. feeling the moment.
10. the bus driver tonight.  he was hilarious, but a BAD driver.  holy leadfoot.
11. rikki's funny story
12. thinking of the kitty video LMAO
13. smell-mooooo
14. my freaking umbrella
15. the fact that i've actually been going to bed at a decent hour lately.
16. i had a good one... now i can't think of it... think of it... OH! a week and a bit until MJ WITH BIRD
17. the idea of going on a vacation with Starr.  HAHAHAHAHA she'd shoot meeee.
18. Starr nearly having a panic attack over the POTENTIAL bus strike. tooooo funny.  i'm sorry.  but i'm glad i'm not that high strung
19. tomorrow is thursday, the best day of the week: consumerist culture class, vamp diaries, and greys!
20. just discussing Madison's name, so cute.  she makes me laugh
21. sleep.  i fucking love sleep.  i get so excited to sleep at night.
22. validation.
23. ladybug on my scooter.  even though it scared the hell out of me for the moment that i didn't know what it was.
24. john lennon... i want a tattoo of his face on meee.  maybe.
25. how much better i feel now.:)

Sep. 29th, 2009

To: Men.

If you are going to treat me like a whore, where the fuck is my dollahs?!

Seriously.

Unimpressed.

Very. Unimpressed.

Lost my locket along the way as well (might be murdered for that).

Eff.

SO CONFUSED.  

One thing you don't know: YOU DO NOT FUCK WITH ERIN! I used to be queen of this game.  I know how to play it just like youuuu.  My heart isn't necessarily in it, but that's besides the point.  If anyone is great at shutting off emotions after sexual acts, it is me.  If anyone is great at distancing themselves, it is me.  Just because I didn't do it with you last night, doesn't mean shit.  Especially now.  Since you did it to me.  I took social work, I did a whole unit on body language.  CLOSED. OFF.  And I'm not even PMSing as an excuse for thinking like this- this is rationality, baby.  To be quite honest, I think this is all quite a nice cover-up because you're in the closet and are actually GAY.  or BISEXUAL.  Which really, come on man, is not an issue.  Deal with iiiit.  Two can play this.  Underneath that arrogance and blatant playing of women is insecurity.  You're not as bad as Brian was, but still, I can see right through you.  I could just be paranoid... or not.  We'll have to see, buuuut you're going to have fun with me from now on.  I don't back down easily, so I really hope you enjoy this as much as I will.

Game. Over.

Oh, p.s.: That'll be $80 for the blowjob, $60 for the handjob and for even getting anywhere near me at all, yet FAILING at reciprocation... $100.  Cash or charge?

I. Love. My. Life.

Aug. 29th, 2009

yes, i was going to bed...

however, i just read through all my old posts and decided i am shocked that i am still here in one piece.

things really  have gotten better, haven't they?:)

oh life, you freaking roller coaster, you.

i feel a bit lighter now that i just read all that and realized what a downer i was lmao. 

note to self: hating life gets you nowhere; must fix that which you hate.

Jun. 18th, 2009

dreaming = boourns

i would dearly love it if i would not dream about my father dying anymore.  srsly.

actually, i think this dream may have been better for me though.  Usually the dreams are based after he dies like at the funeral or months later when i just think about him, and i don't really have a huge reaction in them.

this one was different.  it was pretty much the same scenario ass what actually happened, except it was a second time.  brain injury, brain bleed, surgery.  ezcept in my dream apparently the surgery didn't work the second time around.  i had just found out after waiting impatiently at the house thinking all kinds of things, like what if i never got to hear his voice again? I guess kristen and lisa were with mom at the hospital and i decided to stay home for whatever reason.  i didnt' even know he'd actually died until i saw kristen's facebook status saying "RIP Daddy", i don't think lisa and mom were home yet.  I remember before that though, me and my mom had been talking a few days previously and she'd said she thought he was going to die soon (before he even had the brain bleed).  so anywho, i think it's better that the dream is actually closer to the actual event type thing though, maybe i'm facing my fears of losing him in a way.  In the dream after i found out, i was a right mess, bawling hysterically, calling his name, etc.  I was trying to remind myself that death was peaceful, but it was no use when i thought of never seeing him again and such.  I woke up from it at 5:30.  Oh, another thing, i was in a bookstore and ktb and brittany from wemple 3's gave me a gift or something for my loss (didn't open it) ad said they were hosting something- i was just excited to see brittany again.  Then i looked in the mirror in the bookstore and my hair wa long, like down to my boobs and i didn't notice that it'd grown that mch before and was all excited that i could finally get the style i waned.  

the subconscious really fucks with you, no?  omg i want to go back to sleep but i don't know if i'm volunteering today or not.  hmmm.  i feel better now that i've written this all out.:)

Jun. 2nd, 2009

(no subject)

Ok here's the deal.  I have been awake since 10:30am Monday morning, I went out last night/this morning wiht Ashley and Kirstin and it was fun... however, I have not slept and i have to be awake at 6:30 to volunteer.  I am pretty well wide awake even though I'm pretty sure my body is unsure what to do with itself. 

The bar was fun...ish.  Believe it or not though, Katie, i've found someone more OCD and insecure than you.  Her boyfriend does not help matters.  I used to get so frustrated with her because she's sooooo insecure and just needs a good shaking.  Now, i just feel bad for her.  She neeeeeeeds to dump her boyfriend and i say that after having been friends with both of them for 5 years.  He's a d-bag and knows he can do better so he flirts with other girls all the time and Kirstin is so insecure that she doesn't knoe she can do better and berates every little thing about herself and lets him make her feel guilty for going out with us friends for a night when she never goes to bars but he does all the time.  I tried to get her to dance with me at jacks and losen up a bit, but it was no use, she just kept saying she didn't want guys to watch her dance because she's terrible and there are so many other girls in the bar more pretty than her, etc.

Let me just say this: I cannot dance to save my life.  I am the elephant in the room and people are going to look at me no matter where i go.  Do i care? Not really.  Well, sometimes i do, mostly when it's little kids or older people blatantly staring like they don't know it's rude.  Anywho, Kirstin asked me where i get my confidence from.  

My answer: people are always going to watch me as i go and wonder about me and not understand, so i might as well enjoy my life while i can.  Life is short.  If you take it too seriously, you miss out on all the good times you could be having.  I mean, i'm one to talk, i'm bad for shrinking myself all the time, but i'm getting better at it.  As much as Kirstin may want a different body type, different hair, different personality, it's what she's got.  It's what we've all got.  We were born the way we were for a reason and if we don't stop to appreciate ourselves as our own best friends and love ourselves for who we are, one day we are going to look back on all this and wonder why the fuck we were so worried about everything when we could have been embracing our youth and milking it for all it's worth.  That's the other thing- she hasn't been single in over 3 years, could do SO much better than d-bag Rick, and should be enjoying her young years.  Yes she loves him, but this man would hit on a nailboard if it had a vag attached to it.  She just.... it's so obvious that she wants to do all these things but just doesn't know how to let loose.  I think it's partly to do with her overbearing mother.

Anywho, me and ashley were talking about how ashley thought she was insecure and cared too much about other peoples opinions until she saw the drastic difference between me and kirstin tonight.  She doesn't want to end up like kirstin and wants to be more carefree like me, which is cool, but my carefreeness tonight was also partially alcohol-induced.  Regardless, this girly has decided to embrace her life to the fullest so that she doesn't look back on it and wonder wtf her problem was and where the hell her life went.

Leading me to Matt.  I'm not quite sure what i want from him, nor am i sure what he wants from me, so i'm taking matters into my own hands.  He wrote a note on facebook that's a "girlfriend application" lmao, stating that he was doin it for 1. humour and for 2. to see if it would actually get him anywhere.  Weeeeell, i filled it out and am going to mesage it to him later, perhaps after volunteering so i've had time to think about it and can stupidly explain myself for my impulsiveness in a sleep deprived manner.  It's not like i'm being super clingy about it, i had some humour and entertainment in filling it out and he'll enjoy reading it i'm sure and it's one way to get a sure answer out of him and i'm not expecting much anyways because if he doesn't want me then he clearly doesn't deserve me as i am amazing.

I think i may start it out with something like:

"DISCLAIMER: i have not slept in over 24 hours and have just finished volunteering for 8 hours and am in a bit of a stupor and may regret this later but i'm not expecting much so here you go!"

the other thing is though, do i want someone that puts something like that on facebook since it seems like an act of desperation? hmmm... tricky.  Oh whatever i'll do it and then if he doesn't like it at least i'll know i tried my hardest and i'd regret not doing it if i didn't.  Not like it's that serious anyways it's a stoopid facebook survey.

zomg i have to be up and running in a hour.  fml.  boo-fucking-urns.  *sigh*

May. 22nd, 2009

Writer's Block: There Can Be Only One

Do you believe in monogamy?

View 506 Answers

I believe it can work if given no other option, but... no.  I mean I know people can stay married for 60 years+ but that doesn't go without lusting after others regardless of whether that lust has been acted on or not...

That's my opinion.

quizamajig

1. Do you like mechanical pencils or regular pencils better?
both are good for different reasons... i like mechanical for writing and regular for sketching

2. Do you press the space bar with your right or left hand?
right

3. Why do you have the cell phone you have?
because it's pretty and useful

4. Do you know what classes you are going to be in during this upcoming school year?
not yet

5. What band/singer do you listen to the most?
lately it's kings of leon

6. What food do you eat the most at your house?
fruit, chips, pb&j sandwiches

7. If you use AIM, do you use AIM 6 or 5.9?
ah buh?

8. Do you know anyone that doesn't have a screen name?
uhm,... again buh?

9. Have you ever been stopped by the police for being out past curfew?
no

10. What is the first picture on your camera/phone?
my cabinet

11. Do you currently have any gift cards? If so, for what stores?
s-bucks

12. What is your favorite kind of juice?
apple, orange, or fruitopia strawberry passion

13. What is your favorite name for a girl?
Sage

14. If given the chance, would you change your name to the name you put for the above question?
maybe, but i think Erin suits me

15. Out of your phone, computer, iPod, camera, or any other electronic device, what is one that you would have a hard time living with out?
ipod

16. Do you read for fun?
yes

17. What is your favorite book that you had to read for school?
The outsiders

18. Do you ever feel guilty or embarrassed for something that wasn't your fault?
absolutely

19. If you play guitar hero, are you on easy, medium, hard, or expert?
easy.. and katie will vouche for me, sometimes i play better on medium at faster songs because it doesn't give me enough time to think

20. Do you ever play computer games? If so, what ones do you play?
bubbleshooter

21. What is your favorite flavor of vitamin water?
raspberry

22. If you had to have a sibling, or another sibling if you had one, how old would you like them to be and would you rather them be a boy or girl?
older or younger brother... doesn't matter as long as he's male. there is just too much vag in this family.

23. How often do you change your myspace song?
uh i dont have myspace...

24. Do you ever put in a status message on AIM?
msn messenger you mean... and yes.

25. Besides seeing friends, is there anything you like about school?
interesting classes, fun professors

26. How do you find out about new songs and bands?
friends, tv, radio, lisa

27. Do you know anyone with naturally pin straight hair?
yep

28. What shows do you watch on MTV, if any?
the hills sometimes

29. Do you have a good relationship with your siblings?
i suppose... depends on the day

30. When was the last time you took a nap?
dunno

1. Are you allowed to eat in your room?:
yeah but i don't

2. Who starred in the last movie you watched?:
hmmmm i think it was meg ryan in the women

3. How many texts do you send a day, on average?:
depends... maybe about 10?

4. Can you do the splits?:
HAHAHA!

5. Which of the seven deadly sins are you most guilty of?:
Lust... or gluttony

6. How many kids do you want in the future?:
0-2

7. Do you have a nickname for your best friend?:
well there is crustbagel and ktb and kto and tomass... yeah, we have a lot of nicknames


8. What was the last thing you ate?:
bananer

9. Would you rather drive a Porsche or a Lamborghini?:
neither... too flashy pour moi

10. Do you wear hats?:
on occation

11. What is your favorite non-alcoholic drink?:
juice or water

12. Do you watch anime?:
hell no

13. Spell your name using bands or Artists:
Elvis
Rob Thomas
Iggy Pop
Nine inch nails

14. Is your car a coupe or a sedan? Or maybe it's a truck, van, or SUV?:
SUV

15. What are your school colors?:
purple and white

16. Can you walk in heels?
hahhhhaha no.

17. What is the longest song on your playlist?:
maybe hey jude, not sure.. oh wait, it's "do you feel like i do" 13minutes

18. If you could have a $1,000 shopping spree to any clothing store, which would you choose?:
old navy

19. What were you last complimented on?:
not sure.. hair maybe?

20. Do you know a Michael?:
i know a few

21. What about a Shane?:
1

22. Do you own handcuffs?:
no

23. Who's car were you in last?:
mah mom's

24. What is your favorite breakfast food?:
fruit and yogurt parfait thingy

25. Do you know anybody with a septum piercing?:
susaaaaaaaaan

26. Would you rather pierce your lip or tongue?:
lip

27. Did you have a good dream last night?:
i had like 5 THAT I REMEMBER

28. Do you like ketchup on top of your fries or separate?:
depends on the day

29. What is your favorite thing to spread on toast?:
pb&j

30. Have you ever been in a wedding?:
yessum

31. What song did you last sing aloud?:
cold desert by kings of leon

32. What did you last staple?:
hell if i know

2. What is the last thing a boy gave you?
a hug

3. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?
thomas

4. Are you listening to music right now?
yes

5. Last time you saw fireworks? With who?
canada day a few years ago

6. Anything hurting?
nope

7. Were you happy when you woke up today?
which time? i woke up about 3-4 times between 5-10... was i happy in the end? sure.

8. What mood are you in right now?
meh, can't complain

9. Who was the last person you rode in a car with that was under 21?
katie b

10. Are you mad at anyone right now?
no

11. What are you currently hearing right now?
i want you- kol

12. Are you wearing a necklace?
newp

13. Are you confused?
a little...

14. How much clothes do you have in your closet?
not as much as there could be if 1/2 my wardrobe weren't on the floor

15. Where is your phone right now?
beside me

16. Are you good at hiding your emotions?
depends on what emotions i'm feeling.

17. Who is the last person you talked to on the phone today?
n/a

18. Do you regret anything from your past?
nope

19. Last argument?
hmmm dad? mom? lisa? take your pick lmao, it was one of 'em.

20. Favorite month(s)?
September

21. Excited for anything?
summer festivities

22. Do you know anyone with the same name as you?
yeah

23. Have you ever worn the opposite sex's clothing?
i actually fitted into lane's pants back in the day

24. Have you ever regretted letting someone go?
no

25. You're a sharpie marker, what color are you?
red

26. What is one thing you do before you go to sleep?
brush my teeth

27. Have you ever broken someone's heart?
oh probably, who hasn't?

28. Did you speak to your father today?
yes

29. How many months until your birthday?
4!

30. Who was the last person you were on the phone with after 2 A.M?
oh god.. NO idea

31. How will life be 4 years from now?
different

32. Have you ever hugged a complete stranger?
lmfao... ok, so this one time, me and blair got drunk behind a building downtown and then were walking around outside and asked a stranger for a hug.

1. First thing you did this morning?:
check my phone

3. What's something you look forward to most in the next 6 weeks?:
hm.... well i have volunteering and surgery, sooo.... the days that i don't have to deal with either of those.

4. What's annoying you right now?:
stupid Matt wont text me back!

5. What's the last movie you saw?:
the women

6. Do you believe in long distance relationships?:
ask me when i'm in a relationship

7. Where is the last place you went?:
westmount mall

8. Who is the last person you called?

crustbagel


9. Been cheated on?:
yep

10. Do you think that someone is thinking about you right now?:
i hope so

11. Choose one to have (love, beauty, creativity):
Creative Beautiful Love :P take that!

12. Do you wish on stars?:
some days

13. Does it work?:
don't know

14. Do you untie your shoes before you take them off?
some days

15. When did you last cry?:
hmmmm not sure.  i got a little teary this morning reading about Tori Stafford..

16. Do you like your handwriting?:
yes actually

17. Are you a friendly person?:
mostly

18. Are you keeping a secret from the world?:
not really

19. Whose bed did you sleep in last night?:
mine

20. What color shirt are you wearing?:
yellow

21. Do you have any pets?:
elmo and charlie

22. What is the color of your bedsheets?:
white, blue, yellow and green

23. What were you doing at 9 last night?:
watching tv maybe

24. last person you talked to?:
daddy

25. When is the last time you saw your dad?:
10-15 mins ago

26. Look to your left:
pillow

27. Ever cried yourself to sleep?
i guess so

28. Ever cried on your friend's shoulder?:
yeah

29. Song that makes you cry?:
calling all angels by jane siberry, angel by sarah mclachlan, amazing grace

30. Are you a normally happy person?:
i do try

31. Is your self-esteem low?:
nope.

32. What color are your eyes?:
dark brown

33. Long or Short Hair?:
currently short

34. Current Music?
notion- kol

1. Hi how are you?
hey i'm alright.  how are you?

2. So what's the plan for this weekend?
marinos

3. Do you have a best friend?
a few

4. What's the last two digits in your phone number?
31

5. Who was the last person you hugged?
tom

6. Have you ever met up with someone you met on myspace?
POF and yes

7. Do you even have a myspace?
not anymore

8. What's the best song to rock out to?
you shook me all night long

9. I think you're like, really pretty.
thank you!:)

10. So you agree. You think you're really pretty.
yes?

11. What does the fifth text in your inbox say?
"Umm cause you wanna be awesome like me lmao"

12. Do you laugh a lot?
yes

13. If you weren't you, would you be friends with yourself?
i think so

14. Do you sing in the shower?
occasionally

15. What ended your last relationship?
we grew apart

16. Is there anyone you'd want to shoot right now?
nno

17. What's your ringtone?
just a regular ringer

18. Who made you smile today?
matt's text at 7:45am.

19. Do you forgive easily?
i forgive but i don't forget

20. Where was your last plane ride to?
florida like 10-11 years ago

21. Who's your favorite cartoon character?
stimpy

22. Have you ever done anything illegal?
a few...

23. Now if she moves like this, will you move it like that?
shake shake it?... no.

24. If you could have any superpower, what would you choose?
mind reading, whatver that's called.

25. Have you ever made a survey? Like what I'm doing now?
no

26. Do you/have you ever TyPeD lIkE tHiS?
when i was a lame tween trying to be cool:p

27. How about LiiKE THiiS?
nah

28. What's your favorite reality show?
the bachelor

29. What do you think of animal abuse?
ew

30. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
not sure...

31. Do you check your email regularly?
yes unless im away

32. When was the last time you left the house?
yesterday

33. Does your crush like you back?
i thought so but i don't really know.

34. Do you like Chinese food?
occasionally

35. What's something you say a lot?
"what the fuck?!" *insert hand motion*

36. When was the last time you wore red?
not sure

37. Do you know anyone named Karl?
no

38. Do you believe celebrities on myspace?
some but don't give a shit bout myspace

39. What's the funniest story you've ever heard?
http://www.talksexwithsue.com/forum/messages/11080.html  read that.  funniest thing i've ever read in my life!

40. Who can you tell anything to?
Myself

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